The Waiting Room

Here I sit

A surgical waiting room

My husband's having foot surgery today

His ankle has fallen and it can't get up

Sorry...a bit of humor to calm the nerves

and...I don't mean to make light of the situation

In reality, it has fallen as a result of an extra bone and a torn tendon and he has not been able to walk without pain and a limp in a very long time

So here we are...

he behind the door...

"Authorized Personnel Only"

and I in the waiting room...filled with unfamiliar faces...a blaring TV

on the other side of the door

While I wait...

An anesthesiologist monitors his vitals while keeping him sedated

Mr. SSS...oblivious to the pain that his body is enduring

incisions being made

colleagues being consulted

bones being fused

plates, screws, stitches

while I sit in the waiting room

waiting to hear that he's okay

what choices were made by the physician for him to once again be able to walk without pain

I think...

Is this how it is with God?

He with me

The Great Physician

Behind the invisible door

I in the waiting room

I can't see Him

but He's there

Authorized by me to perform whatever type of surgery necessary

to make me His

wholly His

whatever it takes

Incisions, fusions, stitches, anesthesia

decisions as to what would be best...

filtered through His fingers of love

to make me be able

to be

all He made me to be

Will I authorize Him to make whatever decisions necessary for my life, no matter how bad it hurts to make me into the person He intended me to be? To fulfill a Greater Plan. To fuse together circumstances that, in the end, will make me be able to walk without a limp. And stitch together the hurts and sadness necessary for wholeness to return and His will to be done.

The door opens...

surgery is done

He's in recovery...did well...not as bad as they first thought

no pins, screws or plates

many incisions, stitches and

there will be pain

6-8 week recovery

a smile and a hug from the physician

"call me if you need anything"

"the pain will all be worth it"

Words to remember

I will call on my Great Physician when I need anything...

because the pain will all be worth it

The Empty Place

Thanksgiving....

A time to thank God for my blessings

And they are many

Material things

A warm and lovely home

food in the fridge

cars in the garage

an endless list too numerous to post

Heart-string things

A loving husband

A daughter and son-in-law

A brand new granddaughter

A group of friends that rival no other

A prodigal who is missing but deeply loved

Spiritual Things

My God

My Salvation

My Hope in the One Who has given me all of these things

Why can holidays hurt so bad?

They are meant to be a time of

coming together

loving on one another....

But for many

...And my time came this year...

They hurt

They hurt bad, and deeply, and to the core of my being

someone missing

An empty place at my table

He said he was coming

...maybe bringing a friend

but 5 minutes before he was to arrive

the phone rang

"not feeling well..."

"can't come"

"maybe next time"

"soon"

When my daughter and family arrived, her face was masked

trying to be strong for me, I'm sure

Hurting in her own way

The table was set for six

Easily seating eight

Time to reduce it to four

Hurriedly she removed the place setting

erasing the hope of a shared family meal

sparing me the unspoken pain that was already

seeping through my pores...

Funny...

This year was to be the year we

added a place to the table

The birth of our granddaughter symbolized the

increase to our family

to rejoice in the gift of new life

and we did...

but

there was still that empty place

It makes me wonder how many times God has "set a place" at His table for me. (Psalm 23:5) And how many times I haven't shown up. How many times He waits for me to come to Him so that He can comfort me and give me rest in my time of need.

So that He can tell me that I'm valuable and loved and a special part of

His family

That he can tell me that I'm irreplaceable

That others can come to share in His bounty, too

but

they don't take my place

That He sets a place before Him

just for me

Do you have "Freeze Protection" ?

At five a.m. I hear the grinding motor

It awoke me from my sleep

You know that feeling...you've heard that sound before...but you can't place it

Ahhhhh....it's the pool filter

What's the pool filter doing running at 5am?

Hmmmm...oh yeah...it was supposed to get cold out last night

yup...(I say groggily) but this is only November...and it's Southern California

But there's that motor sound again

Struggling against itself

Ahhhh...freeze protection must have activated the pool filter to automatically come on

to prevent the water from freezing

But why that awful sound?

The water level in the pool must have dipped below it's proper water line

and the filter is being forced to work over time

pumping the water through the pipes so that the filter system can work correctly

struggling against itself

so to speak...

I climb out of bed

already anticipating that rush of cold air

knowing that I'm going to have to climb behind bushes

find the hose

figure out why the auto-fill on the pool is not working

and

get that pool filled with water...pronto

(Note: Mr. SSS is sleeping soundly with his ear plugs tucked securely in his ears)

Okay...found the hose

UGHHH...nozzle on hose is froze to the hose

(no...this is not the start of a new Dr. Seuss book)

Hmmm...canola oil....maybe if I can just lubricate the head....

NOPE...won't budge

Frustration!!!

Okay...let's see if we can get the auto-fill turned back on...

Nope...pool guy must have turned it off for the season

Must be a way...

Nope...I can hold it on manually...but

between getting stabbed by the sharp pointies of the palm trees

and stooping into the damp bushes

(with goodness knows what type of little creatures)

this...my friends...is NOT going to work

Ahhh...do I wake the hubby?

He hasn't been sleeping well

It's a Saturday...his day to sleep

The grinding of the motors is driving me mad

so it's off to roust Mr. SSS

Creeping toward his bed-side I'm armed with an apology

Sorry, honey

Couldn't figure this one out on my own

I rub his arm

Gingerly he sits up...a bit startled

Removes neon orange ear plugs

Proceeds to pool area

...calmly he explains that the hose can still work

just secure the clip over the nozzle which will force the water out

the auto fill can be simply turned back on

just flip the green switch at the bottom

(okay...but now the sun has poked through and he can SEE)

(which I couldn't an hour before)

but I did note that he turned the outside light on

which, I must admit, never crossed my mind

He also smugly mentioned that I could have just manually

turned the filter off

because...

the water would have NEVER frozen

(okay...so why would they install a feature that is not necessary??)

Before long

water is filling the bit too empty pool

the motor is starting to relax

the water features are not straining

and the pool is running as it should

filtering the water through the necessary channels

so the water doesn't freeze..

Ironically,

at nearly 7:30am

the freeze protection shuts off

The pool filters stop

All is quiet and still

Hmmmmm...

God...are you talking to me?

This little drama

reminds me of my life right now...

My "Freeze protection"

GOD

has been working over-time

Okay, God...

I can't figure this out on my own....

Life with a prodigal

can cause that to happen

I'm realizing that

my "Living Water" line

cannot

dip beneath a certain point

because

the motors start racing

the filters start straining

and, in general,

there's just a lot of unpleasant noise!

Mostly internal noise

You know...the committee in your head

those voices that cause you to

Doubt

Those voices that shout

shoulda, coulda, woulda

The voices that tell you,

"If only"

"If only you had seen this coming..."

"If only you had been a better mother..."

"If only you had acted sooner..."

Those destructive voices that can cause your

motors to strain...

your self-worth, to plummet

to struggle against itself...

in ways that God never intended...

So...

what can I do?

I can fill myself up with that Living Water

And in times like these...

I need that Water

I need the Word

NOW

I need it to fill those places that hurt

and still those voices that condemn

I need to do all that I can do to keep my motors running smoothly

so they don't wake me up in a panic

and stir me into unproductive action...

And,

make me

FREEZE

with emotions that can incapacitate me...

I run to Him who gives me strength

BUT....

I believe His intention is to

provide me with what I need

BEFORE

the freeze occurs....

BEFORE

the motors start straining

and the noise becomes deafening

And...to...

when necessary...

turn myself off just for a little while

just temporarily...

while I re-group...re-focus

God wants me to come to Him

relax in Him

and...

"Be still...and know that He is God"

He is a BIG God

and even though

sometimes I fail in filling up...

and I let me emotions run amok...

I can be grateful that I have access to

The Great Freeze Protector

Who

...never sleeps

...never needs to be rousted

...is always awake and ready to help

...Who's light is always on

Who will, once again

help me to

stabilize,

and fill me with

Living Water

Best of Intentions

Best of Intentions...

When i started this blog, i had grand ideas...

All things Beach...

How i surround myself with sand, sea and sun

to soothe my soul.

Thought i would share pics of my beach cottage in suburbia

decorating thoughts...and requests

Coastal recipes and sea-side fare

Trips to the beach and beachy boutiques to find hidden treasures

and find other kindred souls that share my passion

but this summer...it was not to be

it was a bummer summer!

Overwhelming joy with the birth of our granddaughter

Overwhelming sorrow with the plight of a prodigal

Hence my absence on the blog...

Much prayer and months later, my desire to blog continues to stir deep in my soul-

it may be cathartic and therapeutic

as i navigate through the "storm at sea" that stirs in our lives...

so...if you'll indulge me

I'll let God direct as I seek wisdom as to how to brave the waves that threaten to

crash over me

and allow my blog to reflect the realities of life...

The homecoming

Welcome Home Samantha Grace

The homecoming was happy and Samantha has been precious since

the day she arrived home

Stylin' like her Mama

How Big is Samantha?

Soooooo Biggggg!

Honestly, she just loves to raise her arms and stretch!

Her mama and papa love to call her "lizard" because of all her stretching.

Do lizards stretch?

Water Break #2

12 hours later...

Haley's water broke!

Not another plumbing issue but the real deal. The fixture that was supposed to burst, did its thing!

Samantha must have heard about the scheduled induction and decided that NO one was going to tell her what to do!

Hmmm....note to self....strong-willed child issues pending and probable.

The phone rang at 3:22am and in a foggy state I kind of knew who would be at the other end.

Jordan was calling with news that Haley had been having contractions for the last couple of hours and that her water had just broke but they were instructed to wait a few more hours until reporting to the hospital.

The phone rang again at 5am. It was TIME!

G-Mama...that would be me...hightailed it down to the hospital.

Daughter in pain, son-in-law attending to her needs, nurses monitoring baby "S"...it was all quite surreal.

Labor intensified, epidural given, sanity restored! Thank God for pain relief during child-birth!

Haley progressed and a new celebration of life ensued

Samantha Grace was born 7/7/10

at 11:32am

8lbs 6oz., 20 inches long

Praise God for the miracle of new life! She is beautiful!

What a gift and a privilege it was to be present at her birth. Words cannot adequately express the awe in witnessing a miracle of God. Anyone that says that God does not perform miracles in our modern day society has not seen a baby being born.

New life...a precious sight.

Haley and Jordan gave me a gift that I will never forget. To see my first grandchild born is life-changing.

Let the Grandma Good-Times Roll!

Water Break...just not what we planned!

It 's been a day of flowing water...just not the type for which we hoped!

After running errands, I returned home to find my plumber...who I had left at the house 4 hours earlier... scurrying out to his truck. He was moving at quite a fast pace so I didn't want to disturb him. After carrying a load into the house I sensed that something wasn't quite right. There was the distinct sound of dripping which I attributed to the rotten weather we were having...can you say "rain" in July in So. Cal?? Ugh! Sorry...got a bit off track.

Anyway...the plumber called to me saying that he had something he needed to show me. I asked if there was a problem and he said "kind of."

Well...nothing prepared me for what I was about to see. My family room had water dripping through my ceiling and light fixtures. As I moved closer, the ceiling fan began to have a poltergeist moment and started whipping at a tremendous rate of speed...flashing the lights....and spraying water around the room in whirlybird fashion. Quite a sight to see considering it wasn't turned on! Apparently it was shorting out from the electrical current but I maintain that it was possessed! For sure an exorcism was in order. And...it didn't take long as the drywall in the ceiling started to give way and the fixture became history and landed all over the floor in a million pieces.

Water, water, everywhere. Windows, floors, pictures, built in cabinets and all my BEACHY trinkets. Wish I had taken pictures but it was happening so fast, all I could do was try and salvage my furniture and keep-sakes by throwing towels in every direction.

Carpets are pulled back...industrial fans are whirring loudly....ceilings are exposed....furniture is strewn throughout the house....washing machine is going non-stop...Tina's exhausted!

Certainly a day when I could have used some sand, sea OR sun. Maybe the sun will come out tomorrow....hmm...sounds like a song!

I find it very ironic that we've been waiting with bated breath for Haley's water to break and instead, mine breaks. Not quite what we had in mind!

9 Days and counting

Haley is scheduled to be induced first thing Thursday morning. We'd much prefer for Miss Samantha to come on her own, but if not, we're just gonna have to help her along! Although it would be kind of neat if God allowed today's water break to be a precursor to another!

Will She come out with a Bang? (Or 6 days and counting...)

Happy 4th of July!

I've been procrastinating with updates thinking....hoping...willing...lil' Samantha out of hiding. But once again...we see that we have a strong-willed child on our hands that has her own little time schedule in mind. Meanwhile her mama is getting mighty impatient and Grandma Tina is frustrated that she won't be able to don her red, white and blue romper especially chosen for this day. Samantha that is....not Grandma! Oooh...scary thought!

We did get our beach walk in on Friday...even Mr. SSS (Sand, Sea & Sun) accompanied us. I don't think he liked the idea of not getting in on some fun and the possible "water break" that could occur.

The beach was just what the Doctor ordered! Cool breezes and salt air and we were feeling calmer by the minute. We shared some fish tacos, fish and chips and a salad at Fisherman's Restaurant on the pier and even snuck in a shared glass of Pinot Grigio (with ice and lemon, of course) to toast to our little pregnant princess who's about to become a mom.

The day was bittersweet. We reminisced about all the good times we had shared at this beach. We watched the junior lifeguards playing dodge ball and even got to watch them do their infamous "pier jump" which was a highlight of our children's summer when they were that age.

Every summer when the kids were young we would pack the car with coolers, chairs and plenty of sunscreen and head down to San Clemente. For 5 weeks, the kids would be part of the junior life-guard program every Monday, Wednesday and Friday from 1 until 4. That's when my three hours of "wanderings and ponderings" began. I could watch the waves and just be. It's when I discovered a favorite little book, which has now become my summer companion, "The Gift from the Sea." Every Friday, Steve would take off from work and meet us at the beach around 4 as would many of the Dads, and we'd start off the week-end with fun and games. It was our home away from home and a landmark of our summers.

We were also fortunate enough to have friends that had a beach rental in San Clemente while our kids were young that graciously shared it with us on numerous occasions. On our walk, we strode by the house and laughed at the many memories it brought to mind.

We talked about the gift of family and, even with all it's quirks and faults, the precious gift it is to have all these wonderful loving souls to support you through a pregnancy and a birth.

For a few hours, time stood still. We had our daughter to ourselves and we re-lived the past that only we shared.

So maybe...just maybe...God intended us to have one last solo beach walk with our little princess to celebrate her and the many gifts and talents that she has enriched our lives with. We know that we will adore and love our "new" little princess but our first princess will always hold a special place in our hearts.

2 Days and Counting...

Okay... it was the count-down and now it's the count-up! Two days over-due! My sweet daughter thinks she is large and in charge but lil' Miss Samantha is doing an excellent job of hangin' in the hood! So...who has the control issues now? Another little type-A in our midst? Hmmm...already typing her personality? Haley did 4 miles on the Eliptical and 50 jumping jacks but to no avail! She's now entertaining all kinds of crazy notions of "bring it on" potions. It's amazing all the "do it yourself" induction remedies out there. And none sound all that appealing to me! C'mon, Samantha....Grandma wants to go to the BEACH!

Does an expiration date count?

Today was supposed to be THE day. My daughter Haley is due today with our first grandchild. We've had it planned for months that she would deliver on or before her due date because both Haley and I are "on-time" kind of people. Usually even a bit early. Why wouldn't our dear Samantha Grace follow suit? There was even a full moon this past week-end. We reasoned that the gravitational pull would do its work and we'd all have our "special delivery" right on time. Haley exclaimed earlier today that she's reached her "expiration" date and she's had enough. Ohhh how that girl makes me laugh! I don't think that Samantha will grow moldy if she takes a few more days but I do think her mother may if she doesn't make an appearance pretty soon. Jordan, Haley's husband, is just as bad. He wants to "get this show on the road" because he just can't wait to be a Dad. Isn't it funny how God is never in a hurry? This is His little masterpiece that's being knit together in a secret place. All the wishing in the world isn't going to make Samantha appear any sooner than God deems His Timing. Well...Haley and I may be doing our beach walk together this week afterall...

New Beginnings...

How does one start a blog? Why does one start a blog? Is there a right way to start a blog? I've been pondering this for wayyyy too long! I love to write. I love to think and day dream and imagine "what if" so I'm starting a blog. I don't know how but I'm jumping in. I'll get my feet wet and test the waters and if all goes well, I'll be swimming before I know it!